back to painting :)

finally a cheerful post..after all those sob stories... :)
painting is a hobby that i havent been practicing for past 6 years...call it my carelessness or just laziness, i never gave it the importance it deserved... the last good painting (i'm the judge :) ) that i made was probably in 9th grade.. Indian education system doesn't let you go with your hobbies during your board classes. only super humans can go to school, attend tuition classes, get a decent percentage and follow their hobbies at the same tym. and i was no super human. hence, there was hardly anything that i did during my 10th grade apart from scoring a mere 84%. class 11th passed by coping up with new friends and new school. wanted to do something new and tried my hand at dramatics... no use... sadly, i'm not made for it. meanwhile i lost touch wid my pallete. and again came the board class. again the same tuitions, school and studies.
and suddenly i found myself in the hills of himachal pradesh. surrounded by pine trees the mighty dhauladhars.
my course demands a person to be good at sketching and painting is an added advantage. i was happy about it and pretty confident that i can do it. but, to my astonishment, the day i first held a 2B pencil in my hand, my hands started trembling. i just couldn't do it!!! pulled off the first year somehow. comes second year and i am supposed to use water colors... and shit!! same with it... the moment i took the brush in my hand, it started shaking... i gave up... though i still feel like a loser when i think about it. four years have passed, and architecture, instead of making me confident about my artistic skills has made me a loser.
but today, when i had the amount of work that would require a battalion to complete, i suddenly feel like painting. i take out my sketchbook, (that has only 16 small sheets and i haven't been able to fill it in 4 years) and start painting. i started with a landscape that i could have painted better when i was in class 5. but , it gave me a little confidence. moving over to a slightly more complicated daisy flower made me happy. though both pieces of art ( ah!!) were nothing better than color thrown in water spilled on a sheet it gave me happiness and a reassurance that i am not a loser after all. i tried and i succeeded. :)

loser

just found a coincidence when i posted d previous blog... d blog previous to the previous one was also written for the same ppl as the previous one... i'm a loser... how can i let same set of people hurt me again n again.... yes... m a loser... :(

bad day :(

i'm pissed wid lyf... todays been a really bad day.... dont want 2 part wid people on bad terms... shud i bother or not... if i dont.... they wont even realise...and even if they will..they'll never ever make an effort to bring things back 2 normal... if i make an effort... i'll lose respect for myself... have been treated like a door mat.. but todays incidents crossed all limits...they have made me think about myself....what do i want out of lyf?? what do i expect out of ppl around me?? have been told a lot of tyms by ppl that i'm a self obsessed person.. then why am i bothered bout those ppl?? why should i care whether they are happy wid me or not?? shouldn't i be just an emotionless person... nobody's pain should make me sad... nobodys happiness should bring a smile 2 my face... but it does... they matter 2 me... why????????????????? i dont want them 2 b important for me... but they still are... and especially now..that i'll hardly see them... should i let go of my ego... and once again like always... become a doormat???????